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Features Column 13 What I learned on my summer vacation: Practical steps to realizing your dreams

Hello everyone! Now to interrupt our regularly scheduled program... Next column, I will dive back into your questions, but seeing as I'm fresh off the boat from realizing a personal dream, I wanted to take this opportunity to share what I've been up to the past few months and hopefully help inspire you all to keep following your own dreams, whether in getting a new job, starting a new project, or taking some time, like I did, to get away from it all!

Last year around my birthday, I realized that even with all the many energizing and fun things I was doing, my life didn't feel like it was sufficiently aligned with my values and personal vision. It's amazing how careening into middle-age—well, only 34—can motivate a radical break with routine! Plus, something about assisting my career coaching clients to deeply transform their lives without making key changes myself didn't feel right. So, one day last December while visiting friends in New Mexico, I decided to move to an ashram. Ashram, you say, are you crazy? Well, for a few weeks, I wasn't sure! But as time went by, I realized it was exactly the change I needed because I've always wanted to live in a closely-knit spiritual community.

At first, I was really excited—I felt like I was beginning a huge adventure and the possibilities seemed endless. But then "reality" started to seep in and I found myself having "charming" dialogues like this with myself: Sure it's just what you want to do, but come on, you're not a kid anymore, get real. What about your bills? Your job? Your friends? [And my personal favorite:] You're not even close to settled down, and now you're going to delay that even more than you already have. Yes, you are, in fact, crazy!

In spite of all these doubts, I did end up living on an ashram, and it was, hands down, the most amazing experience of my life thus far. But I'm not telling you all of this to lobby you on ashram life. Rather, I want to share some suggestions on doing those things that really, really excite you even when you have self-doubt, not to mention a good dose of skepticism from your inner circle and the world at large.

I know first-hand that when you allow yourself to dig deep and think about what makes you feel most alive, you can dream up amazing possibilities and, to quote the inimitable Oprah, "live your best life." So much of the time, we underestimate our capacity or stay with the familiar for fear of failure or of the unknown. But it's always worth taking a smart risk and pushing yourself to your outer limit of comfort, even if things don't turn out as you planned, because you'll have the opportunity to grow beyond yourself. And whenever people are really and truly growing, they're likely to have a lot of fun along the way, not to mention end up contributing more than they ever thought possible.

So, when you feel something new stirring in you, or an old nagging feeling that you're not quite "living your best life," it can be really helpful to get away for a few days, or even a few hours, and give yourself a quiet place to let things surface. Going to a new place can be particularly helpful; sometimes being in a new physical environment, whether a new state or a new coffee shop, can give your muse a jump-start. There's no doubt that being amid the vastness of Santa Fe's mountains helped me to imagine a vast and wide-open future!

Be careful not to immediately put the brakes on your ideas, even if they sound as crazy to you as mine did to me. Sit with them for a few days or weeks and let them marinate. If you're really able to withhold judgment for a little while, you might end up with a surprisingly tasty future!

Once you've played in the land of possibilities for a few weeks or even months, it's time to balance your aspirations with the realities of your everyday life and responsibilities. There's no doubt that the details of your life will help shape what you end up doing, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Your next step as a married mom looking to make a career shift might be quite different from that of a single 25-year-old. A dream that's literally not doable isn't going to be born. At the same time, try not to get too hung up on exactly how it will materialize. Bear in mind that your primary job during this kind of change process is to serve as the chief mid-wife for your goal. So, like any good mid-wife, you should focus on your idea coming into this world healthy and happy, not necessarily having a particular size, shape, or even personality! The more flexible you can be while still maintaining the integrity of your vision, the more likely you are to birth some amazing new experiences, jobs, or projects.

For example, initially, I had my heart set on an ashram in Utah or New Mexico, but I couldn't find any communities in those locations that really excited me. I was pretty dissuaded for a couple of days, but I realized that my priority was living on an ashram somewhere in the western part of the country, not necessarily in those two states, which meant there were a lot more possibilities for me if I could flex to the situation's realities. Within a few hours (literally!), I found my dream ashram in Colorado. You can find your next wonderful step, too, by taking a few deep breaths and reminding yourself that whenever you start holding on too tightly to some aspect of your vision, all you need to do is let go a little and see what comes to light.

But how do you stay open and not lose heart in the midst of living your hectic life? Truthfully, not easily! Living on the ashram reinforced my feelings about something I have long believed: it takes real discipline and commitment to bring a dream to life, no matter what it is. There are more distractions out there than there are cell phones (cell phones being one major distraction!) and once you decide to pursue a dream, you will very likely encounter even more distractions—it's as if the world somehow knows that you've decided to step off the treadmill, even in a small way, and it doesn't want to lose you!

It's very important to keep your focus. That means doing something every single day—no matter what—to care for your dream. The specifics of what you do depend on the kind of change you're trying to make, your temperament, the structure of your life, and a host of other factors, but the essence remains the same: stick to it! I've found it very helpful to take one step toward making a change first thing in the morning and then again last thing at night: these are discrete times when it tends to be easier to think. For example, let's say your dream is to become a professor of nonprofit management, but you don't have a graduate degree yet. You might want to do 10 to 20 minutes of research on grad schools before heading into work or bringing your kids to school, and then review and process what you discovered for 5 to 10 minutes each evening. If you have more time, all the better, but it's not necessary: small steps each day are a recipe for success. If possible, I strongly recommend setting a specific time to take your daily "step"—most of us need that kind of structure to make sure we actually stay on the path.

It's also helpful to write a "dream statement" where you briefly summarize what you're going for and what excites you about it. This way, you have something to refer back to on the days when you feel like you're losing momentum or getting a bout of inflexibility. For many people, posting a sticky note on their computer ensures that they're continually reminded. Others might find it helpful to draw a picture depicting their personal vision or use some other artistic form of expression. Any depiction that jazzes you is the right one. Next, I recommend writing a more detailed plan outlining both the larger and smaller action steps you'll be taking each week within the framework of a flexible but clear timeline. This kind of concrete planning will help give you the impetus you'll need to stay with your vision through thick and thin. Be as creative as you can and think carefully about what kinds of action steps give you energy. If you create a great plan, but you don't want to do it, you're no further along—making it at least a little bit of fun is important.

A lot of people neglect creating this kind of plan and their dream slowly begins to take a back seat to the immediacies of their lives. Try not to forget that if you don't take the lead in bringing your dream to life, no one will. You just might thank yourself for the rest of your life for the focus and sacrifices you make to realize your goal.

This one sounds like a no-brainer, but it's not always easy. Very often when people make the decision to really follow their hearts, some of the people around them join the boo-hiss parade, usually because they're nervous about change themselves and unsure what will happen to the friendship. But it's important to continually remind yourself of your role as mid-wife, especially when beginning to plan; try to use extra careful judgment about who you spend time with and what information you share. Many people will be excited for you and assist you when you start doubting your goals, while others may take you off course.

I recommend setting up formal times each week to check in briefly with your supporters, whether they're friends, colleagues, or mentors—share how things are going and what work you've done on your plan. For months, my friends Laurel and Amy were amazing supporters as I worked out the details of how I would leave my very established life and career in New York City. Whenever I let the demands and judgments of the world creep in and I began to feel I was being totally unrealistic, they reminded me how good and true my vision was, voiced appropriate concerns, and provided me with the wonderful gift of good, old fashioned listening. If you don't have an established support team, then put the word out that you're looking for a mentor or dream buddy, in whatever communities you're a part of. Lastly, a support team can also be of great assistance after you realize your dream. As great as it is to bring a new job, project, or way of life to fruition, it can also be disorienting and even scary. Staying connected to your cheerleaders can help to ensure that you continue to live your dream.

This can be hard because often the best dreams are so life-changing we can't even imagine how we might grow. However, it can be really helpful to have clarity about the specific ways you'd like to develop. It's easy for dreams to get off course temporarily, so having specific goals for how you'd like to feel during and after you take your next step can serve as a great reminder, energizer, and road map. For example, if you have your heart set on switching from the for-profit sector to the nonprofit sector, you might want to clarify a few areas in which you'd like to build your professional skills. I also advise setting some goals for personal growth. Frequently, what keeps a new job, new city, or project exciting is going through some kind of personal expansion with it, whether that's learning to communicate more clearly, focusing on what you can do instead of what you can't do, or experiencing peace even while cleaning the same kitchen cabinet for the hundredth time, as I did!

If you've thought very carefully about a new dream, really listened to your heart, and done all the logistical preparation work that you need to do, then you have only one more thing to do before you make the big change, whatever it is: let go of your expectations. This is the hardest part of the whole change process for most people. Often, we want things to go a certain way, but the vast majority of the time we get in the way of ourselves by trying to control things. Moving to the ashram was just about the only time in my life that I had almost no expectations—probably because it was so outside of my usual array of activities that I literally couldn't conceive of what it would be like. But that ignorance led to quite a bit of bliss! I ended up being able to take things as they came and reap whatever benefits I could from them as opposed to judging and thus limiting my experience. Sometimes, repeatedly telling yourself or writing down that you're letting go of expectations can be helpful. Whatever you do, just be sure to at least try to let go of what you think is going to happen.

Very often, going through one change leads to another one as your whole life gets an infusion of new energy. In my own case, that's exactly what's happening as we "speak!" Living on the ashram provided me with the space and energy to commit to a much longer-held dream: international travel and service. So, in a few months, I will be setting off for a thrilling and, in some ways, daunting adventure. But as scared as I am, I know it's what I am being called to do. While you might also get two dreams for the price of one, don't let that scare you. Just start by allowing yourself to imagine an exciting new possibility for yourself and then get up tomorrow and do one small thing to bring your dream to life!